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[Music] once in a while Im late and my boyfriend takes it so personally I can understand why he gets upset but he blows it way out of proportion this triggers our biggest fight how can I convince him its not about him questions from Paul in Fort Collins Colorado Paul theres so much in this question so many different dynamics you know of the way that people fight so let me take a few here first of all this notion that you decide that it is way out of proportion in arguments and in hurts I suggest that you not think of yourself as the person who has the right measurement stick on what is worthy of being upset about and what is not it never bodes well but then the other thing to understand your boyfriend is this is something that we do in relationships that is really fascinating and we call it confirmation bias which means your boyfriend has decided for a host of reasons quite a while back probably that when you are late you are doing this on purpose you know how much it upset him and